Content note: This post discusses illness, family loss, and grief.
So... it's been about a year since I last wrote one of these. I won’t blame you if you already forgot you’re subscribed. (I probably would)
I initially took a break from writing/creating due to health reasons. For over a year I was struggling with a compromised immune system. At times, just being cold for a few minutes was enough for me to have a fever the next day. I constantly felt lethargic and also caught covid and a respiratory infection during this time.
After making a full recovery at the beginning of this year (yay), I got very sad news though. A family member fell terminally ill. At the end of March I got a phone call asking to come to the hospital to say my goodbyes - they ended up passing away in my presence that day. (Comically, it was kind of like one of those dramatic hospital movie scenes.)
After that, things stood still for a while. I also ended up getting sick again, but this time around it was only the flu.
I wasn’t sure if I should ever talk about this, but it has turned into such a fundamental part of my story that not talking about this would feel disingenuous. I also know that there are so many people out there who are going through something similar. Please know that you are not alone.
Life is an endless cycle of new beginnings.
Experiencing illness and grief like this for the first time in my life drastically changed me as a person, my views on life, my values, and the way I set my priorities now.
Before, I always felt like there was an invisible boundary between me and the things I wanted to do. An inner voice that was holding me back, considering all the “what ifs” or reasons something might not work. Trying to find the perfect way to go about things. I’ve always been a natural (over) thinker, so this way of operating came natural to me.
Weirdly enough, an experience like that simplifies things. I am somehow able to live in the moment now. I appreciate life more than ever, especially human connection.
I also realize that waiting for the right thing, the right way, the right moment – All those things are great self-sabotage tactics but they don’t actually serve me on my path. I’m the one in control. I choose when to start. I’m the person who creates new potential for myself, for my life.
While these are all very simple concepts that I understood previously, I never truly felt them until now.
(And Again)
I didn’t think I would be going back to writing, but here I am. (Hi!)
I have to be honest, it is so awkward starting over. It almost makes me cringe.
But then again, this feeling is only temporary.
(Thank you for reading <3)
Forgot I subbed to this now I know why
i needed to hear this. i also went through a loss, in april. it was hard and now i am slowly trying to get back up and do things like enroll in school this year but i've lost courage. this post came in at perfect timing, and i will just do it (begin again) instead of holding it off since school starts in less than a week from today.